Most parents just want to raise their kids so that they’re well-liked and can fit in with other kids their age. We all know how hard it can be as a social outsider. It is painful to recognize times when your child is not fitting in. Sometimes, it’s not a big deal, and a parent just has to shoot straight with the child: “Don’t do that in public; it’s weird. You’ll thank me one day.” Other times, though, the divide is significant and sustained.
But should our goal be that our kids fit in perfectly and are in the popular crowd at school? I’ve become convinced that we ought to shepherd our kids to be the right sort of odd.
A Heavenly Accent
When you’ve lived in a place for a long time, a slight variation in accent or pronunciation will give away whether a person is local or has roots elsewhere. When we moved to southern Louisiana, I felt like I needed a pronunciation guide for some of the places and names that we encounter on a daily basis, like Boutte or Des Allemands. Even though I pronounce it correctly nowadays, my native Mississippian drawl tells everyone that I’m not from here.
As citizens of the kingdom of heaven, we possess an accent to our life that pegs us as different than this world.
I don’t mean “different” in that Southern polite way of calling someone weird. Bless their heart. They’re just a little different, that’s all. This isn’t raising weird or socially awkward kids who are unable to carry on a conversation. Neither is it merely teaching our kids religious lingo and how to play the part of a Christian. Rather, biblical parenting is striving to cultivate a home in which Christ’s heavenly kingdom is honored, treasured, and promoted, above all else.
Jesus regularly tells his disciples that following him will mean that they live against the stream of culture. Likewise, Peter describes Christians as “sojourners and exiles.” As we disciple our kids, we must help them understand that there will be times when they feel out of place, but that is not always a bad thing. To state the positive flip side, the goal of Christian parenting is to turn his or her gaze upon the glory of the eternal Kingdom.
How do we create this Kingdom culture in our homes? It’s taught and caught.
Teaching the Kingdom
First, God has given us the blessing and responsibility of discipling our children according to Christ’s kingdom. Consider all of the streams of messaging they experience each day. If your child is a teenager, they likely have a steady diet of social media apps, school curriculum, song lyrics, and hallway conversations. That’s just to name a few. Each stream either explicitly or implicitly answers questions like Who am I? Why am I here? What is the good life?
Discipleship is more than an activity that takes place on Sunday mornings. It is an inevitable aspect of life that takes place throughout the week as a person’s aspirations and affections are shaped by those around them. It’s not a matter of whether or not a young person is being shaped by some message. The question is which message is shaping them.
Some families err here by thinking that this simply means making sure that their kid listens to Christian music instead of non-Christian and that we cover eyes and plug ears when questionable content comes on the screen. While we should carefully monitor what our kids consume or are exposed to, isolation doesn’t cultivate a kingdom-centered view of life. Neither does listening to K-Love ensure sanctification. In fact, there are a lot of Christian musicians whose music mimics the same individualism that is present in non-Christian media, but that’s a post for another day.
As parents, we are called to teach our children the Scriptures because it’s in the Word that we know God and that we know ourselves.
My son, don’t forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commands; for they will bring you many days, a full life, and well-being. Never let loyalty and faithfulness leave you. Tie them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will find favor and high regard with God and people. (Prov. 3:1–4)
Notice that this section in Proverbs assumes that the parent is instructing the child. The rest of this passage points the child to trust and follow the Lord and his Wisdom.
How are you actively shaping their vision of how their life fits into the larger picture of God’s heavenly kingdom? It doesn’t have to be complicated. Start with reading a short portion of Scripture at the table while you eat breakfast or dinner. If you feel like your life is too crazy for that, try doing a chapter from an audio Bible on the way to your evening activity. Listen to it. Then, ask questions about what was said, what it teaches us about God, and what it calls us to do or believe.
Regardless of where you start, start somewhere. The time we have with our kids is limited in the grand scheme of things. Let’s faithfully point them to the Scriptures.
Catching the Vision
Second, the accent is caught through examples, as well as the rhythms that guide the family. I preach a 30- to 40-minute sermon each week that centers around Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection. However, no matter the volume of my words, if my life outside the pulpit doesn’t align with the message my kids hear from the pulpit, I’m training my kids that the boundary of the Kingdom stops at the church parking lot. I’m discipling them towards a warped sense of the Kingdom.
You may not preach or teach at your church, but your life is still instructing. The way you handle frustration or disappointment. The way you respond when you sin or make a mistake. The things that get you excited. These are all opportunities to demonstrate how the gospel affects the nooks and crannies of life.
The family’s weekly rhythms also reinforce the priorities of life. What are the activities that take precedence for the family? When there are scheduling conflicts, what gets the axe in your calendar? These decisions teach a lesson to our kids about what should be valued.
One area where I am convicted in reflecting on this topic is my family’s need for more family meals around the dining table. When the kids were younger, we were at the table every night, but that has become more difficult with the ever-increasing number of evening activities. But, we also find more reasons to eat in front of the TV, if I’m being honest. These rhythms are shaping our family, even if implicitly.
A Kingdom Check-Up
Maybe you haven’t given much thought recently to how you’re teaching and reflecting the Kingdom. If you need a Kingdom check-up, discuss these questions with your spouse:
- What are we doing as a family to grow in knowledge and application of God’s Word?
- Which Kingdom values are caught by the weekly rhythms of our family calendar? What activities or rhythms are taking priority over Kingdom activities?
- What actions and attitudes are the most celebrated in our home? What actions and attitudes bring the swiftest consequences?
- How would our kids answer the following question: What my parents want most for me is to ___________________.
- How does the gospel affect the way we handle conflict in our home?
- How does our tech use impact our relationships and communication?
That’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s enough to foster some good discussion about the Kingdom culture in your home. After discussing, set realistic and specific goals about changes you can make.
Do you have other questions you would add to the Kingdom Check-Up? If so, feel free to drop them in the comment section below.
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